Oftentimes, your actions and words do not align.
Your actions roll out like a 35mm film, sputtering a black and white romance. You are the perfect protagonist to a story of amour. However, these glamorous scenes are silent for the viewers and when words are added, your grand facade begins to fade. Your sweet affections are coupled with doubting discourse. You admit your uncertainty about me. Five of the worst words:
I don’t want anything serious.
It is incredibly hard not to take your apprehension personally.
Is it my fault? You want casual and simple. But I am neither of those.
Did I lead you to believe I could be? My past wounds allow me to be blasé and bury all emotional tendencies. I can come across easy and freelance if that is what you want. But the truth will eventually come to the surface. I will start to tire of the superficiality, the lack of communication.
I am waiting for you to decide. What do you from me? I fear you will say nothing. Nothing serious. All this anticipation leaves me paralyzed. My feelings for you prevent me from moving on. But moving forward with you is still a pending option. This game that we are playing is neither fair, nor reasonable. I can handle the rejection, if that is what you fear. I am not some fragile soul that needs your validation to be happy. I simply know what I want and it is you. But not if it means having to wait. I know that your doubt stems from something personal and is not necessarily a reflection of me. But I will not, can not, stand to wait on you.
If this whole time you knew your own restrictions and incapabilities, than why let it get this far? You should have stopped me earlier on, instead of leading me to believe you wanted commitment. I know it is easy to get swept away. I know it is easy to avoid important conversations. But while we were living in this alternate universe, you were lying to both me and yourself. We could have avoided this mess had you just communicated.
So now, I propose, let us end this while I still have my strength and you your sanity. I know you will say “maybe in the future”, but I will not put my life on hold for you. I am taking the reins and crafting my own future. A future full of certitude. Full of people who value me and actively choose to stick around. I will commit to myself and let that drive me. However, I am positive you will find someone worth the risk of commitment. Be honest, be kind, have faith.